
Youāve heard the term, āFriends first.ā It describes the couples in the world who had a platonic start. Friends of friends, or colleagues, their relationship began in the friend zone. Over time, these couples built a camaraderie through mutual interests or experiences; and their connection blossomed into romantic attraction, interest, and love. Today, their bond is stronger because they were friends first. They legitimately get along and enjoy each otherās company. They care about each other, they have each othersā best interests at heart, they donāt want the other to suffer or to feel confused. They communicate, they sacrifice, they forgive.
Friends > lovers can work. It has worked. For many people.
But it can also be a trap.
The camaraderie one feels with a friend can feign the building blocks of a relationship. But the building blocks of a relationship look much, much different. Friendship stakes are generally low. Relationship stakes, at least in the adult world, are not.
When your friend bails on you a couple hours before brunch, itās #nbd. Theyāre not feeling good, maybe hungover from the night before⦠bummer, but youāll catch āem next time.
When the boyfriend-wannabe bails on you a few hours before the date⦠it IS a #bd. Not cool, bro. Definitely especially not cool if it happens multiple times in the early stages of the relationship. Also not cool if it happens in tandem with other dumb stuff.
This is because expectations have transitioned. The stakes have changed. Whatās acceptable friend behavior is not acceptable boyfriend-wannabe behavior. The dangerous thing⦠is when one party doesnāt adjust accordingly. When one party is stuck in friendship dynamics and friendship expectations, despite living a real-life dating scenario.
Iāve been that person. Iāve been that person in the dating scenario with an original friendly someone⦠a guy that I get along with, that cracks me up, that Iām attracted to… but that someone doesnāt understand the way one treats a friend is different from the way one treats a wannabe-girlfriend. And because of the original connection, I was temporarily blind to and accepting of his tepid behavior.
A real wannabe-boyfriend is solid. He follows through. He communicates, he calls. He makes an effort. And if something gets lost in translation, as things sometimes are, he tries to fix it.
And if he doesnāt⦠ladies⦠he doesnāt āwannabeā anything at all. Not really. Not enough.
Iām 34. Iām happily independent and single, but I do want to find love. However, love goes hand-in-hand with respect. To me, that means Iām wanted not just when itās convenient to his schedule or only when Iām in a good mood… This man wants all of me, all the time.
To quote the Notebook: āSo itās not gonna be easy. Itās going to be really hard; weāre gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day.ā
I deserve this kind of love. We all do.