I find myself constantly at odds with my desire to go fast in life vs. my desire to protect myself. Spontaneity and risk vs. caution and safety.
That doesn’t just go for my life and limbs… that goes for matters of the heart.
I told all of you in an earlier blog about how I’ve long kept my private life private. Not only did I want to limit what the world knew about me, when I was younger, I wasn’t as confident in my choices and my point of view. Being the writer that I am, I still shared my stories, but under a pseudonym.
Well, over time, something shifted in me. I decided to publish my experiences and innermost thoughts under my real name. I even started to advertise my website address! Perhaps I grew up; I stopped worrying about what people thought of me. Friend, coworker, potential suitor, or Instagram lurker can review my website and social channels and gain access to an armory of information, should they try. And if someone doesn’t agree with or connect to what I have to say, well, my filter was a success. Not everyone has to like me.
This are real stories, people. 👉🏻This is who I am.👈🏻 I continue to pull back the curtain. And the next thing I’ll share with you is a recent disappointment.
Going fast, following my heart…
It was not long ago that I declared to family and friends: “MARK MY WORDS. I’M GOING TO MARRY THIS MAN.”
Coming from me, a very bold statement. Never mind that we had only spent a consolidated 100-ish hours together. Never mind that it was long distance and we would have a host of challenges. Never mind that I had long accepted being alone (and I was really happy alone). I would’ve been happy to brush it all off as a once-in-a-lifetime whirlwind romance… and wonder what could’ve been. But he doggedly tore down all my walls. And I began to feel something I never had before.
Surety.
Go big or go home. No risk, no reward. Follow your heart. Life’s too short. Take a chance on love. Take a leap of faith. When you know, you know.
Well, I was about to go all in. I had 100% faith in my epic love story. Until it fell apart, with no rhyme or reason.
…to single is safest
Fast forward to today. I’m over him… but the disappointment still lingers. I shouldn’t have fallen for him so quickly, so easily, so heartily. I won’t again.
Now, I’m more protective than ever — protective of my heart and protective of my time. I guess that burning desire to be partnered up comes and goes in waves. Right now, my tide is out.
Maybe I’ll just be one of those women who never settles down but has a series of passionate, exciting love stories in her lifetime. No failed marriages, no failed relationships, just grand love stories that ran their course to look back on fondly. When everything has an expiration date, there are no heartbreaks…. no surprise endings.
It’s actually kind of empowering to be without ties. To be able to take off somewhere at a moment’s notice. To answer to no one, and be selfish, all the time. Don’t want to do something? OK, don’t. When you’re single, no man has a hold on your heart, mood, emotions, time… no one has the power to shift the winds of your day.
And right now, I don’t terribly mind. Single = safe.
“Marriage: the end of: spontaneous sex, traveling by yourself, and buying anything for yourself without having to ask for permission first” – How To Be Single, 2016
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